Rusia
Dari Tolololpedia, ensiklopedia bebas berbahasa Indonesia.
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| Motto: ВОДКА! (Bahasa Rusia : "VODKA!") | |||||
| Lagu kebangsaan: Zima, Vodka, Yaderniy | |||||
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| Ibu kota | Luoyang | ||||
| Kota terbesar | Hakkersford | ||||
| Bahasa resmi | Bahasa Rusia | ||||
| Ekspor | Vodka, Alexandrite, T-55s, Nuklir, Sukhoi, dan AK-47 (Dijual Terpisah) | ||||
| Impor | Salju dan Es dari Artantika | ||||
| Pahlawan | Yusuf Stalin, Agrippina Vaganova | ||||
| Pemerintahan Presiden | Vlad The Impaler | ||||
| Wilayah - Total - % Air | 17,075,400 km² 26 | ||||
| Penduduk - Total - Kepadatan | Belum ada data Silahkan sensus sendiri | ||||
| Kemerdekaan - Sah | Sudah merdeka sebelum buku sejarah ada | ||||
| PDB Total | $2,3 Trilliun | ||||
| Mata uang | Rubel | ||||
| Zona waktu - Musim Panas (DST) | Zona Abu Hamzah (UTC+99) | ||||
| TLD | .ru | ||||
| Kode telepon | +88 | ||||
Rossiya, Raseya, Katsapiya, Katsapstan, Moskalyandiya, Medvedstan, Tiblastan — strana perepuganykh idiotov (oni zhe — genii s zagadochnymi dushami) i vechnozelenykh pomidorov. Eto odnased'mayachast'sushi, kotoraya vkhodit v sostav Rusobelii i chlenstvuyet v Esengovii.
Daftar isi |
[sunting] Geografi
Khokhlyandiyey i Kazakhiyastanom. Nad Rossiyey nikogda ne zakhodit solntse, no nesmotrya na eto, temperatura v strane ni pri kakikh usloviyakh ne podnimayetsya vyshe nulya, i ulitsy rossiyskikh gorodov zasypany snegom po samyye kryshi.
Nyneshnyaya Rossiya obrazovalas' v 1991 godu iz-za GKCHP, kogda yeyo territoriya upolovinilas' otnositel'no predydushchikh gosudarstv (Krasnaya Orda, ili Eseseseriya, Raseya-v-tryokh-chastyakh-sveta, Zolotaya Federativnaya Orda).
[sunting] Politik
“Goblok kalian semua! Rusia dipimpin oleh Kaisar, bukan Presiden!”
~ Oscar Wilde kepada Rusia
Vlast' v Rasseyi peredayetsya po nasledstvu. pervym Verkhovnym pravitelem Rasseyi yavlyalsya Faraon-Batyushka Vseya Rusi, zanimal post Putin I Medvedolyubivyy iz dinastii Putinidov-Silovikov. On nosil titul "Velikiy i Uzhasnyy, Vsevidyashchiy Glaz, Vseslyshashchiy Ukh, Vseznayushchiy Mosk, Khan khanykov, Shakh shakhov i Mat matov, Velikiy magistr ordena KGBeast'ov, Kapitan blizhnego kruga Oligarkhov, Khranitel' Neischerpayemogo neftyannogo nasosa i istochitel' Gaza, Istochnik pensiy i zarplat, a takzhe bessmertnyy Imperator Bul'bastana i Buryatii, Kalmykii i Udmurtii, Chukotki i Birobidzhana.". Seychas etot post zanimayet Velikiy Medved Vseya Rusi, potomok roda Novykh Russkikh Medvedov, Roysikh Vladchiut Suriyo.
[sunting] Lambang dan Bendera
Gerbom Rossii yavlyayetsya izobrazheniye dvuglavogo zhyvotnogo, po odnim svedeniyam - vykhukholya, po drugim - medveda. V levoy golove zhyvotnogo nakhoditsya mozg, v pravoy - mosk, chto simvoliziruyet natsional'noye svoyeobraziye i samobytnost' Rossii. V odnoy lape zhyvotnoye derzhit molotok, a v drugoy - balalayku, chto simvoliziruyet yego trudolyubiye i nezakompleksovannost'. Flagom Rossii yavlyayetsya krasnaya tryapka pryamougol'noy formy s beloy i siney poloskami.
[sunting] Populasi
“Saya minum dua vodka sehari satu. Kamu?”
~ Orang Rusia kepada Kamu
Rossiya — mnogonatsional'naya strana, ona naselena rasseyaantsami, v chislo kotorykh vkhodyat ruskiya i yevrei, chto vlechyot za soboy nepreryvnuyu bor'bu antisemitizma i rusofobii, kotoraya nichem i nikogda ne zakonchitsya vvidu otsutstviya nadyozhnykh kriteriyev opredeleniya, kto russkiy, a kto yevrey. A nekotoryye bessovestno utverzhayut, chto yesli poskresti kazhdogo russkogo (ili yevreya), to obnaruzhitsya tatarin.
Osnovnoye zanyatiye russkikh — pit' vodku, osnovnoye zanyatiye yevreyev — plesti zhidomasonskiy zagovor i spaivat' raseyantsev. Po etoy prichine zhit' v Rossii veselo i interesno.
[sunting] Masalah Luar & Dalam Negeri
Po ulitsam gorodov khodyat belyye i buryye medvedy, neredko igrayushchiye na balalaykakh, p'yanyye kazaki i komissary v budyonovkakh. V Rossii razgovarivayut na ISO-8859-5, pis'mennost' osnovana na cp-1251 (pravda, otstupniki iz Wikipedia i Absurdopedii ispol'zuyut Yunikod, a adepty Svyatogo Patrika).
Dlya Rossii vsegda ostro stoyat dve problemy — duraki i dorogi (po drugoy versii - tri vechnykh voprosa: kto vinovat, chto delat' i zachem Gerasim utopil Mumu). YEst' mneniye, chto odnu iz problem mozhno reshit' pri pomoshchi asfal'toukladchika, odnako spetsialisty do sikh por ne mogut opredelit' — kakuyu imenno. Byli proyekty, v kotorykh odnu bedu pytalis' reshit' s pomoshchiyu vtoroy, no v rezul'tate obe bedy tol'ko usugubilis', ibo poyavilas' tret'ya problema — duraki, pokazyvayushchiye dorogu. Popytka resheniya etikh problem putyom ikh ob'yedineniya porodila naiboleye strashnuyu raznovidnost' mentov - gaishnika.
Nekotoryye issledovateli prichislyayut k chislu nerazreshimykh bed Preveda, Velikogo i Uzhasneyshego. Drugiye issledovateli naoborot, priznayut Preved Medveda sredstvom resheniya vsekh problem Rossii, kak nyneshnikh, tak i gryadushchikh. Sam Medved ne priderzhivayetsya ni odnoy iz etikh tochek zreniya.
Dve strashneyshiye bolezni, po mneniyu reklamshchikov presleduyushchiye vsekh rasseyan s pelyonok - eto perkhot' i kariyes. (Vprochem, sami rasseyane v bol'shinstve svoyem ob etom ne znayut, za schet chego i zhivut sebe zdravo i spokoyno).
Takzhe, soglasno natsional'nomu televideniyu, vse rossiyane takzhe imeyut pravo i obyazannost' posle 22-00 vechera pit' buruyu zhidkost' pi-pi-vo, i krome togo, vse raseyanki bezustanno zanimayutsya brosaniyem platkov na svezhevybrityye nogi i pravil'nym vlozheniyem babskikh zatychek.
Iz natsional'nykh blyud rasseyan mozhno vydelit': pel'meni i poloniy, kotoryy oni potreblyayut isklyuchitel'no dlya uvelicheniya many i kotorym vsegda gotovy podelit'sya s anglichanami.
Napivshis', russkiye gulyayut po ulitsam s babami i garmoshkami, ishcha s kem by podrat'sya/nadrat'sya, i orut pesni. Kto na koi8, kto na Yunikode, a nekotoryye — na cp1251. Odnako te, s kem mozhno podrat'sya, pryachutsya i ubegayut, poskol'ku, nauchennyye gor'kim opytom Navukhodoponosora, Napoleona Buonaparte i Adol'fa Aloizovicha Gitlera, znayut, chto drat'sya s russkimi — sebe dorozhe. Khotya i interesno.
[sunting] Festival
Glavnymi prazdnikami rossiyan yavlyayutsya: Staryy Novyy God, Novyy Novyy God, Novyy Staryy God, Staryy Staryy God, Kitayskiy Novyy God, Pravoslavnoye Rozhdestvo, Katolicheskoye Rozhdestvo, Den' rozhdeniya Klary Tsetkin, Den' Muzhika, Den' Svyatogo Patrika, Den' Svyatogo Valentina, Den' Svyatogo Kholuina, Den' Vzyatiya Bastilii, Den' izobreteniya granyonogo stakana, Den' Aprel'skikh Durakov.
[sunting] Pemimpin-Pemimpin Terkenal Rusia
- Aleksandr Makedonskiy
- Dzhordzh Vashington
- Nikolay I
- Nikolay II
- Niko-alay Kurchev
- Dzhon Lenin
- Lev Tgotskiy
- Vladimir Ivanovic Mendeleyeva
- Avtomat Kalashikowa
- Iosif Volgin
- Nikita Willis Kukuruznik
- Brezhnev, Lyonin Il'ich
- Yura Andropov
- Mechenyy, Mikhail Sergeyevich
- Boris Yelti-asin
- Khan Babay
- Blin Klinton
- Aslan Maskhadov
- Vladimir Puting
- Dmitriy Medvedmedved
- Alexander Romanov
- Yuri Prime
- Yuri Clone (klonengannya Yuri)
- Yuri Syarap-prova (Saudaranya Maria Sarapprova)
- Tot-kogo-nel'zya-nazyvat'
- Entot cut Britannia
- Kamu
[sunting] Catatan Khusus
Sebaiknya anda menguasai Bahasa Rusia sebelum anda terkena penyakit gatal yang disebabkan oleh membaca artikel diatas tanpa mengerti ini terlebih dahulu. Tolololpedia tidak bertanggung jawab apabila anda terlambat membaca bagian ini sebelum anda membaca keseluruhan artikel lebih lanjut.
[sunting] Lihat Juga
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